Adulthood; Can I Still Throw Fits?

Sadly, this isn't the kind of post where I give you the solution to this problem, but instead, I'm hoping that someone else out there is thinking "Now what?" and I'm letting you know that you're not the only one. 

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Hear ye, hear ye,

I'm back and as usual, I have not blogged in ages but today, I couldn't help it.
I know I've already written a post about adulthood, but this one is a bit different.

So, the last week or so, I've found myself panicking, bordering anxiety attacks, with the absolutely paralyzing fear that I am graduating. Of course, that's just the bigger issue. I've always been taught to look for the root of the problem, and graduation is the bigger picture. After digging and digging, I realized what it was that was causing all of this anxiety; what if I don't make a difference?

I've been thinking about my post-graduation plans for months, years, now, but have only started really thinking about it seriously in the last week and a half. The issue that I keep going back to is what if I graduate and I'm just there, me in the big world, bachelor's degree in hand, and no impact.

Ouu, big whoop, I went to school for an extra four years, read a few books and now i'm ready for the big world.

Wait, what?


When I was a child, I had decided that by the age of 21 I was going to be married. By the age of 22, I would be having my first child (I also thought that I would be a world famous garbage truck ballerina by this point, so I can see where my own plans were disillusioned). To fuel this, I have read the ever-so-talked-about article "23 things to do instead of getting married before you're 23" and the multiple replies of people saying that they married before then and that they are more than happy, and they have all made me so uncomfortable, both sides of the article in fact. I've read them and have tried to remind myself that someone's opinion of you at whatever age doesn't matter. Now, if I believed that, do you think I would really be writing about why I feel unimportant in the world?

That brings me to right now. I have plans and dreams. I want to move out west and do theater in Vancouver, I want to move back to Europe and see more of the world, I want to move back home and be with my friends, I want to make something of myself, something that will matter. But regardless, I find myself drowning in all of these plans. I feel the pressure of family wanting to see me have a career, friends getting married and having children, coworkers advancing in their fields, school-mates graduating and already having a job awaiting them. And i'm here; hello!

Here I am, in all of my indecisiveness.

This is my fit. This is where I scream and kick and freak out because I don't know how to get to what I want. This is where I scream until someone tells me that it'll all be fine.

Later Days,
Ally

The Sad, The Glad, The Truth and The Cold Hard Facts of Becoming an Adult.

     This past weekend, for the very first time in my life, I felt that I had become an adult. I had never felt that before and at first, all I could think was "How do I make it stop?".


The Sad    

    For the first time in my life, I was sitting in a church, at the funeral of one of my closest friends and was experiencing true pain and loss. I had never pictured myself feeling the pain of losing a friend until my senior years, where it becomes the natural course of life. But there I was, 21 years old, at a funeral, sitting in a pew with 8 of my other best friends, all mourning the loss of our classmate. How was this possible? I felt, suddenly, all the responsibility in the world to be strong; if not for me, for my friends. I was thinking of them, putting them first in my mind. But that wasn't it.

The Glad

     Later that day, on my way home, I was letting it all sink in that we had become adults. I was listening to my classmate tell me about her job, her boyfriend of two years and their plans for a new home together. I realized, at that moment, that I had plans. I was one year away from finishing a bachelors degree with plans for a masters and PhD, was finally in a relationship that made me feel so happy and so strongly and so confidently in myself, I had goals, responsibilities, bills, a future.. I was an adult. It was one of the scariest feelings in the world at first, until I realized that I could laugh at it and accept it.

The Truth

       A few hours later, that's exactly what I did. My friends and I had all made our way to our town's "Exhibition". As teenagers, this was the biggest event of the summer. We decided to relive those days and go. Upon getting there, everyone decided that we were just too old to be getting tickets and going on rides. Everyone except for my friend Catherine and I (I think it's clear that I was not the only one feeling old and afraid). It wasn't even 30 seconds after sitting on the ride that we had our first grown up moment. A little girl in the seat ahead of us told her friend "Can you believe it?! My mom was just in my room. She doesn't care about my privacy.". Catherine and I looked at each other and a rant was just rumbling in my head; "Young girl, your mother loved you, raised you, gave you food and finally, she gave you that bedroom. The least you can do is be kind and full of love towards her. You are her flesh and blood. If she is snooping, that means that you don't spend enough time with her, sharing what you feel, think and live." and it hit me again.. I'm siding with the parents. I've become an adult. It got worse. As the ride started, I slid over to the side as I spun around in circles, only to hear my back crack. I couldn't help but laugh as in 24 hours, all of these things were making me feel like I had aged 20 years overnight. As if that weren't enough, I ran into two beautiful girls who I used to babysit when they were just toddlers. Now, they were taller than me and just "hanging out at the Ex." like I had done (it seems) only a few years ago! I just couldn't believe it. So we headed home, all feeling a bit defeated, sat around a table and drank wine and champagne. This already was a great sign of having grown up, because our group of 10 amazing and kind-hearted graduate class had never been able to sit all together and not have a single fight about gossip or about the past. Naturally however, to keep up with the theme of the day, we all called it quits around 9pm because we were too tired to go on. We were grown ups and there was no more denying it.

The Cold Hard Facts 

     The final fact of the matter is, I am an adult now. I do have responsibilities, a future to think of, growing up with my own home, a husband, children and maybe a dog or five running around the house, on my mind, but it doesn't mean that I feel like I'm rushed. After having let everything settle in and once I no longer feared this new overwhelming feeling and I realized that not a single thing had really changed; I had just only realized that I had grown to be a woman and that it was bound to happen one day. Funny enough, I realized that my list of things to do this week is about the same as it was when I was five years old, wearing glitter shoes and a pretty dress. Some things never do change.

To Do This Week 

 Love endlessly 

Dance  

Color outside the lines 

Eat some Ice Cream 

Laugh 

Be brave

Later Days,

Ally

How To Be Happy

    I have recently fallen into a lovely little slump of self pity, where I was greeted by bitterness and his friend  agoraphobia! It was a really lovely trip, but I decided to leave and come back to a lovely, happier, reality.
I figured that I can't be the only one trying to be a happier person, so, I've written a list of some of the things I've personally done in order to feel happier.


How To Be Happy

 Shave your legs 

This one is for the girls. Trust me, I know as much as the next single girl that shaving your legs sounds about as fun as carrying groceries from the store to you house, in the middle of a rain storm. BUT, I also know that I feel like quite the catch when my legs are shaved. Thus, I would suggest taking those extra few minutes, shave your legs and throw on a dress.

Dance

Right now, get in your underwear and just shake that. I would suggest to throw this playlist on while you do it, made by yours truly;

http://8tracks.com/allyparadis/dance-party-for-one

Lay down on the floor of a home where there are multiple domesticated animals

Come on. Don't tell me that three puppies loving you unconditionally doesn't help.

On the other hand, if your friend Steve who has two pet tigers offers, pass up. Trust me.

Stay away from Pintrest 

This is probably the most important one. Just don't go on pintrest. It's full of girls who look like they can put photoshop out of commission. Plus, our cupcakes NEVER look like they do on Pintrest. Bastards.

Go for a drive 

This one isn't suggested if you're angry. You'll drive too fast and die. Don't do that.
On the other hand, if you feel trapped and have a big ole case of house-arrest (not the actual legal kind. In that case, stay inside.) then get in that car or on that bike, or basically anything that moves, and get lost somewhere.

Clean your room

Pretend that the queen is in town and she has just been dying to see your room. DON'T DISAPPOINT THE QUEEN. Clean your room. Then all of a sudden, you're clutter free and have more space for extra activities.

Make a card for someone 

I love this one. Write a nice little card for someone. Not one where you just add the persons name before the cheesy paragraph, but something where you actually let them know that they're important. I know you feel like shit and probably think "ooooh I'm so alone in this world." You're not. Someone else feels like shit out there, and just in case it's the person you're making the card for, make it nice.

Wear a bright color

It feels better than walking around in black. Enough said.

Call your "person"

Your "person" is that one somebody that is always there for you and knows how to handle you when you're being irrationally bitter. Call them. Maybe even make that card for them, in your clean room, while wearing a bright color.

Get dressed up and go anywhere

I love this one. Sometimes I put a cute dress on and go to shoppers drugmart. Then, when someone says "Oh I love your dress!" you can say "Oh! Thank you! I just put this little old thing on to come grab toothpaste because my wealthy husband William is taking me on a cruise to the Bahamas on our new private cruise ship. He got it because he's just so rich and doesn't know what to do with all of the money since we bought our seventh home on the water front. We just love water front. He once bought an island for me because I don't like public beaches. He's so sweet. But yes, so we ran out of toothpaste today and here I am!" or something along those lines.

Don't reply to destructive texters

Destructive texters are people who when you see their names on your phone, you know it'll end up with them complaining about someone or something. Just stay away from them. Concentrate on yourself for today.

Only eat breakfast foods for an entire day

Oh this one is nice. I spent all day two days ago only eating Corn Pop cereal. It was so nice.
I felt like I was this five year old kid left alone in the house and was like "OH MY GOD. I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT! CEREAL ALL DAY!!!". Actually, that's exactly how that day went for me.


Well, those are mine for now. I'll almost certainly do an updated version, so please do comment with your own ideas. I'm sure they are just great. Unless they include a gun. In that case, please, just relax.

Here are some that were suggested by friends;

"listen to covers of "hey ya" on YouTube" -John Alexander

""Bubblewrap" - Jesse Noel

""really loud disney sing along, wearing a disney costume, alone in 

my apartment" - Nikki Saulnier 

""Tylerknott.com" - Renée Comeau

Later Days!
Ally

The Online Dating Stereotypes..

I did it. I got bored and created an online dating account a while back as a part of my bucket list ( justherbucketlist.tumblr.com ). The other day, I decided to log into that wild love trap and see what exactly had gone down. 

In my profile, I gave very basic information. A few basic interest, few exclamation marks and finally, a few recent pictures. Before I knew it, I was reading some of the absolute weirdest messages I could have ever received. However, my favorite thing about this experience was discovering the online dating world stereotypes. I have concocted my list of personal favorites and am going to waste some space telling you how I feel about the men of online dating.

Side Note: Not all people on these website fit into these categories, some are even great and kind people. This, however, will only reflect the creepiest of the creeps. 

The Sexual Mid-Forties Guy 

Ah, the sexual old guy. My personal favorite source of entertainment. These guys are the ones who just have absolutely NO boundaries. They are all above the age of 40 and just love going all out with "kid slang". A personal favorite of mine was, and I quote,  "u nd i cn have our firs date n VEGAS. we cn get maried nd tht. but dnt 4get ur hair dryer. u kno how u get about ur hair! luv u sexi girl." . Okay, so first strike; out of 34 words, he misspelled 22. Second strike; that was the most forward and uncomfortable message i have EVER read. Third strike; the guy is 47 years old. Come on now.

The Old Philosopher

 Oh, this guy. This is the over 60 year old category. Their messages are perfectly spelled and their profile tells you all about their intellect and life experiences. The messages are usually poetic and yet still very creepy. The line "Age is not an issue" often comes up which, in turn, makes age an evident issue. 

The Thug

Okay, the thug. The most hated one of all for me. They send messages about "tappin a$$" and "gettin sum". Oh, thug, thank you for noticing that one of my interests was being sexually harassed! So attentive! Honestly, how any of the thugs end up on a date makes me sad, because I figure the poor girl is just gonna jump on the bandwagon and release her love flower to the first thug who tells her that her "a$$ is so nice" and "imma ride that all nite.". Rest in peace sweet innocence of the thug lover.

The Traveler 

The overly-poetic traveler. This guy has at least one picture of himself with a glass of wine. He will probably tell you all about his stay in Paris and  how "un-suitable" the suite that he stayed in was. Chances are, his stories about his travels have absolutely no moral and are only being told because he wants you to think that he is wealthy and has six houses. In reality, he is probably a slacker and his family has all the money. Sorry traveler, your trip with me ends here. 

The Guy Who Pretends To Be David Beckham

Come on. You're trying to sell yourself to a group of horny 20-30 year olds. You're telling me that you never for a moment thought "Hmm.. some of these women have probably searched "shirtless David beckham" before.. I should maybe take something from google."?! COME ON. Sure, you don't want to put up a picture of yourself, because you look like a lemur, but at least put maybe a picture of you from far away? Sorry David Beckham, but this is the one time that the ladies will be keeping their pants on.

The Athlete Who Can't Tell You His Name

One of two things is happening here. This is actually an athlete who is only looking to get laid while he's in town OR (and more likely) they played a few outdoor hockey games on a lake once, got fat and when that didn't work for them, they opted for online dating. Hm, I just can't pick which one I would rather bring home to Mom.. 

lol look @ my abs Guy

I hate this guy. With a burning passion. Honestly, you may be the kindest person, but if you're going to stand there in your bedroom and take the time to set up a camera and take a selfie of your abdominal area, we're probably not going to work out. To be honest, I would rather know that you spent that time playing with your 4 cats than knowing that you really just wanted that perfect blurry shot of your abs for your online profile. If you're that attractive, then i'm sure someone will be seeing those abs live. And good for them. Thankfully, that will not be me. Hide yo abs.

 The Guy Who Is Looking For His Princess

Hi. You're not in the right place. Excuse me, but have you ever read Disney books? Not a single princess was ever found on Plenty Of Fish. Also, your promises of horse carriage rides and moonlight boat cruises seem unrealistic with your electricians salary. Bye bye prince not-even-a-little-bit-charming.

  There you have it. My top 8 stereotypes of online dating. There are so many more, but to be honest, I'll probably write another blog about that some day. There's just too much madness to cover. Sweet lord. Venture off into the world of online dating for 5 minutes and I promise, you'll encounter at least 2. 

ON THAT NOTE, happy fishing lovely people!

Later Days, 

Ally. 

Goodbye Facebook, Hello Blogging!

(Note; I promise that the next posts will not be this cheesy, self-declaring nor lenghty. They will also be far less serious. For real. Promise.)

Allow me to start off by saying that I am a self declared Facebook addict. This is part of my New Years resolution (i'm one of the few who actually keeps those), as being true to myself and admitting the things that scare me in order to be a better version of myself. When it comes to my Facebook addiction, honestly, I used to be a-okay when people said "You're always on my newsfeed!". I posted status' about everything. Something funny my mother said, or the lyrics to the worlds most pathetic song. I tagged myself in my profile pictures, as if people didn't know it was me. Even worse for me was Instagram. It was hashtag after hashtag, reeling in the likes. So, today, I went back and read an old blog of mine and I read things that I never even remember admitting to anyone, let alone everyone. I was so raw, and open and real, and I miss that liberty. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear. So in this blog (at least this post) i'm opening up about something that to me, makes me cringe to admit. I'm going to be real and open because I shouldn't feel ashamed of myself while trying to better who I am.



Holy Hashtags

When I had a few friends over the other night, one of them called me out on my instagram hashtags. To be honest, at first, I was mortified. I was mortified because I realized why I did this and then started to realize that I had something big on my plate that was enough to take a leap into channeling myself. When it came to Facebook and Instagram, I did all I could to have the most people see or read what I had posted. I craved the likes and needed to have people tell me that I didn't post into emptiness. Now here's what's hard for me to admit; I needed the verification and the attention that people were giving me. I needed to have those numbers adding up, otherwise I felt like I was stupid for posting whatever it was and would often delete it. Okay, whew, big step overcome. Something like that is so hard to admit because another part of my resolution is to work on my confidence and up until recently, this is what I thought confidence was; numbers that were gathered from social networks. When I realized that this wasn't true confidence but instead it was just layers of convincing, I decided that I needed to delete my Facebook account. I should say that my lack of confidence wasn't ever anything that was brought on by anyone but myself. Sure, I had been criticized on looks or personality but I've always been pretty good at not letting that get to me. What I did allow to get to me were my own thoughts.




Oh Boys

This year, I live with two boys, which is something so different to me because for years, it's really only been my mother and I around. Now, these boys bring more boys and all of a sudden, I found myself not being comfortable at home. They made me completely uneasy and I couldn't stand the idea of having to talk to any of them about anything because they were so different from me. Don't get me wrong, it had nothing to do with them, because honestly, they are all wonderful people and are the biggest reason that our house is so busy, but I did let myself think that what they thought of me mattered enough to keep me from saying anything more than "Hey.". This is something else that is completely, horribly and shatteringly embarrassing to admit, but I often would walk away from situations and think "Why did you say that?" or "Seriously Ally?". Then, one day, I had a similar moment to my Facebook Ah-Ha moment, where I realized that I was doing this so that they would like me, so that I wasn't the "weird" girl who sat in her room playing guitar and knew nothing about sports. That realization was enough for me to think "honestly, who cares" and from there, I decided to walk around in my PJs if I wanted, or dance around in my room even if the door was open. I didn't, and don't, care if they saw me doing any of these things, but I know that I do them carelessly, as if it was still just me and my mom, and that I'm completely fine with that. And since the day that I decided to not care what they thought of me, I find myself being able to talk to them and not really caring if they walk away telling someone that i'm weird.

Okay, back to Facebook.



Goodbye Facebook.

Now, I'm here and able to say that the moment I deleted Facebook, I felt this boost of confidence because I was doing something for me. I wasn't begging for attention. Something that completely shocked me was how different it felt to wake up to zero notifications from facebook on my phone or e-mail this morning. It didn't even phase me. I was completely at ease with not having people say empty things and it felt wonderful to not have messages from people who I only spoke to because I didn't know how to tell them "I literally have no recollection of ever meeting you.". I didn't have to please anyone but myself, (and maybe my Hamster, because she loves her morning attention) and so I got ready and drove to school. All of a sudden, I had all of this overwhelming "Yay-ness" and I didn't have an output. Which brought me here.





Hello Blogging!

Here I am, telling you what i'm going through and you know what, I'm absolutely going to share this on Instagram and Twitter, but from here on out, no longer for the attention, but because maybe i'll post something that someone can relate to. Maybe it wont be in this post, but maybe at some point i'll say something that will serve as a boost, or help or even just as company. So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my blog!

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” 

Eleanor Roosevelt

Later Days,

Ally.