(Note; I promise that the next posts will not be this cheesy, self-declaring nor lenghty. They will also be far less serious. For real. Promise.)
Allow me to start off by saying that I am a self declared Facebook addict. This is part of my New Years resolution (i'm one of the few who actually keeps those), as being true to myself and admitting the things that scare me in order to be a better version of myself. When it comes to my Facebook addiction, honestly, I used to be a-okay when people said "You're always on my newsfeed!". I posted status' about everything. Something funny my mother said, or the lyrics to the worlds most pathetic song. I tagged myself in my profile pictures, as if people didn't know it was me. Even worse for me was Instagram. It was hashtag after hashtag, reeling in the likes. So, today, I went back and read an old blog of mine and I read things that I never even remember admitting to anyone, let alone everyone. I was so raw, and open and real, and I miss that liberty. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear. So in this blog (at least this post) i'm opening up about something that to me, makes me cringe to admit. I'm going to be real and open because I shouldn't feel ashamed of myself while trying to better who I am.
Holy Hashtags
When I had a few friends over the other night, one of them called me out on my instagram hashtags. To be honest, at first, I was mortified. I was mortified because I realized why I did this and then started to realize that I had something big on my plate that was enough to take a leap into channeling myself. When it came to Facebook and Instagram, I did all I could to have the most people see or read what I had posted. I craved the likes and needed to have people tell me that I didn't post into emptiness. Now here's what's hard for me to admit; I needed the verification and the attention that people were giving me. I needed to have those numbers adding up, otherwise I felt like I was stupid for posting whatever it was and would often delete it. Okay, whew, big step overcome. Something like that is so hard to admit because another part of my resolution is to work on my confidence and up until recently, this is what I thought confidence was; numbers that were gathered from social networks. When I realized that this wasn't true confidence but instead it was just layers of convincing, I decided that I needed to delete my Facebook account. I should say that my lack of confidence wasn't ever anything that was brought on by anyone but myself. Sure, I had been criticized on looks or personality but I've always been pretty good at not letting that get to me. What I did allow to get to me were my own thoughts.
Oh Boys
This year, I live with two boys, which is something so different to me because for years, it's really only been my mother and I around. Now, these boys bring more boys and all of a sudden, I found myself not being comfortable at home. They made me completely uneasy and I couldn't stand the idea of having to talk to any of them about anything because they were so different from me. Don't get me wrong, it had nothing to do with them, because honestly, they are all wonderful people and are the biggest reason that our house is so busy, but I did let myself think that what they thought of me mattered enough to keep me from saying anything more than "Hey.". This is something else that is completely, horribly and shatteringly embarrassing to admit, but I often would walk away from situations and think "Why did you say that?" or "Seriously Ally?". Then, one day, I had a similar moment to my Facebook Ah-Ha moment, where I realized that I was doing this so that they would like me, so that I wasn't the "weird" girl who sat in her room playing guitar and knew nothing about sports. That realization was enough for me to think "honestly, who cares" and from there, I decided to walk around in my PJs if I wanted, or dance around in my room even if the door was open. I didn't, and don't, care if they saw me doing any of these things, but I know that I do them carelessly, as if it was still just me and my mom, and that I'm completely fine with that. And since the day that I decided to not care what they thought of me, I find myself being able to talk to them and not really caring if they walk away telling someone that i'm weird.
Okay, back to Facebook.
Goodbye Facebook.
Now, I'm here and able to say that the moment I deleted Facebook, I felt this boost of confidence because I was doing something for me. I wasn't begging for attention. Something that completely shocked me was how different it felt to wake up to zero notifications from facebook on my phone or e-mail this morning. It didn't even phase me. I was completely at ease with not having people say empty things and it felt wonderful to not have messages from people who I only spoke to because I didn't know how to tell them "I literally have no recollection of ever meeting you.". I didn't have to please anyone but myself, (and maybe my Hamster, because she loves her morning attention) and so I got ready and drove to school. All of a sudden, I had all of this overwhelming "Yay-ness" and I didn't have an output. Which brought me here.
Hello Blogging!
Here I am, telling you what i'm going through and you know what, I'm absolutely going to share this on Instagram and Twitter, but from here on out, no longer for the attention, but because maybe i'll post something that someone can relate to. Maybe it wont be in this post, but maybe at some point i'll say something that will serve as a boost, or help or even just as company. So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my blog!
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Later Days,
Ally.
